i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
