be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
