the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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