Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
