he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
