how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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