I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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