Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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