Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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