god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
