I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
