i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
