would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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