no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
