i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
