WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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