Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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