if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We need to get me chipped asap
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
