I'm gonna have a badass scar
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Randomize
