best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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