Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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