Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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