I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
