I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
