So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
