my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
