you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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