On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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