i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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