Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
