Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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