if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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