you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
