I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
