Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
