ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
