Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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