Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
