I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
