The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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