I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
