I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
