I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
