You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
