I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
