I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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