i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
