well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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