Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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