We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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