he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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