the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
