I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
