Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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