I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
