Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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